Girls With ADHD Silent But Pervasive..
I have four beautiful daughters. They are all intelligent, creative, compassionate, strong-willed, and deeply opinionated. I love them dearly. The first time one of my daughters came to me to talk about self-harm I think my heart dropped through my stomach. I tried to hide my fear and panic, how unsure I was of what to say and do. I wanted to appear calm. I wanted them to be comfortable confessing their struggle. They were, after all, as scared as I was by their behavior and desire to continue it. It would be something we faced together, I promised. Three of my four daughters have ADHD, and three of my four daughters have faced struggles with self-harm. Self-harm is not just cutting. It can be any activity where an individual hurts herself (or himself), such as pulling out hair or burning themselves. The end goal in self-harm is not death; it isn’t a suicide attempt. It is not a ploy for attention and shouldn’t be dismissed or punished as if it is. It’s a silent cry for help.
More than 50 percent of girls with combined type ADHD (both hyperactive/impulsive and inattentive) engage in self-harm activities and 22 percent attempt suicide, according to a 2012 UC Berkeley study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. Girls with just the inattentive subtype of ADHD were not immune to these startling statistics: Although they weren’t as likely to harm themselves as girls with combined type ADHD, their odds were still higher than girls without ADHD. (And while girls, ADHD, and self-injury are the focus of this post, it’s important to note that boys also struggle with self-harm issues. In fact, in recent years researchers are finding that boys are more likely to engage in self-harm than previously thought.) But honestly, statistics weren’t my first concern when faced with this struggle. I wanted tounderstand self-harm. I wanted to know what to do about it. And I wanted to help my daughters conquer it. The Berkeley study focused on simple rates of occurrence, not on why it was happening. Why is always more complicated and never concrete, but here are some theories that make sense to me and have helped put this beast behind us.
So here’s how we handled it:
1. Stay Calm and Approachable
It’s hard, I know — I have had to do it repeatedly over the years when all I really wanted to do was completely freak out and fall apart. But whomever you are helping needs you to stay calm so they don’t feel even worse. Self-harm wasn’t even on my radar — the study I cited came out after we had already been dealing with cutting for some time. If our daughters wouldn’t have felt that they could talk to us, we may never have known.
2. Listen and Don’t Judge
It is easy to go into parent mode when such a startling and heart-wrenching topic comes up, but that’s not going to help things. Instead, ask them what is going on in their lives and listen no matter how hard it is to hear. It’s often difficult to separate a person from their actions, but it’s critical for our kids to know that we love them, even when we don’t like their choices. Let them know that they have someone who will stand by them and help.
3. Make a Plan
The self-harm urge is not going to go away. The trick is to address it and make a plan for what to do when that urge hits. One of my favorite is “The Butterfly Effect,” which encourages drawing butterflies rather than cutting. It replaces something destructive with something positive and beautiful. Find a creative outlet or activity that fits your child’s interests and serves as an enjoyable distraction during these challenging times.
4. Seek Professional Help
We are fortunate that we started going to a psychiatrist early on in our ADHD experience. He was already in place as a trusted caregiver when issues with self-harm came up. His help in understanding and treating this struggle have been priceless. A professional can help your child better understand their urges and identify possible triggers.
5. Be Aggressive in Getting Treatment
When multiple conditions are at work, each one needs to be addressed. We have found thataddressing depression without addressing our children’s ADHD doesn’t work. Addressing just their ADHD is equally unsuccessful. Advocate for your child to get the care he or she needs and listen to understand if the treatment is working.
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